1 bad advice from Mr. Oster. Archive for the ‘Bad advice. Grigory Oster’ Category. Fidgets on a spit

A book for naughty children and their parents

Recently, scientists discovered that there are naughty children in the world who do everything the other way around. They are given useful advice: “Wash your face in the morning” - they take it and don’t wash it. They are told: “Say hello to each other” - they immediately begin not to say hello. Scientists have come up with the idea that such children should be given not useful, but harmful advice. They will do everything the other way around, and it will turn out just right.
This book is for naughty children

Lost Child
Must remember that it's
They'll take you home as soon as
He will tell you his address.
We need to act smarter
Say: “I live Near a palm tree with a monkey On distant islands.”
Lost child
If he's not a fool,
Will not miss the right opportunity
Visit different countries.

Hands never anywhere
Don't touch anything.
Don't get involved in anything
And don't go anywhere.
Move aside silently
Stand modestly in the corner
And stand quietly, without moving,
Until your old age.

Who hasn't jumped out of a window?
Together with my mother's umbrella,
That dashing parachutist
Doesn't count yet.
Don't fly like a bird
Above the excited crowd
Don't put him in the hospital
With a bandaged leg.

If the whole family goes swimming
You went to the river
Don't bother mom and dad
Sunbathe on the shore.
Don't start a scream
Give the adults a break.
Without pestering anyone,
Try to drown.

There is no more pleasant thing to do
What to pick your nose with.
Everyone is terribly interested
What's hidden inside?
And who is disgusted to look,
Let him not even look.
We don’t get in his way,
Let him not bother you either.
If your mom caught you
For what you love,
For example, while drawing
In the hallway on the wallpaper,
Explain to her what it is -
Your surprise for the Eighth of March.
The painting is called:
"Portrait of my dear mother."

Don't take someone else's if
Strangers are looking at you.
Let them close their eyes
Or they’ll go out for an hour.
Why be afraid of your own people?
They won’t tell about their own people.
Let them look. Grab someone else's
And drag him to yours.

Never stupid questions
Don't ask yourself
Or even more stupid
You will find the answer to them.
If the questions are stupid
Appeared in my head
Ask them straight away to adults.
Let their brains crack.

Visit often
Theater buffet.
There are cakes with cream,
Water with bubbles.
Like firewood on plates
The chocolates are lying
And through a tube you can
Drink a milkshake.
Don't ask for tickets
To the balcony and to the stalls,
Let them give you tickets
To the theater buffet.
Leaving the theater
Take it with you
Under a trembling heart,
In the stomach, a sandwich.

Born a girl - be patient
Trips and pushes.
And put your pigtails on everyone,
Who wouldn't mind pulling them?
But someday later
Show them the fig
And you will say: “Figurines, for you
I won't get married!"

If you and your friends are together
Have fun in the yard
And in the morning they put it on you
Your new coat,
You shouldn't crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb fences
Hanging from nails.
So as not to spoil or dirty your new coat,
We need to make it old.
This is done like this:
Get right into the puddle
Roll on the ground
And a little on the fence
Hang on nails.
Very soon it will become old
Your new coat,
Now you can calmly
Have fun in the yard.
You can safely crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb fences
Hanging from nails.

If you're down the hall
Ride your bike
And towards you from the bathroom
Dad went out for a walk
Don't turn into the kitchen
There is a solid refrigerator in the kitchen.
Better brake like dad.
Dad is soft. He will forgive.

If you are united forever,
Illuminated and lead,
Don't try to dodge
From movement to celebration.
Still will raise to work
And it will inspire you to heroism
You are great and mighty,
And our reliable stronghold.

The main business of your life
Any trifle can become a problem.
You just have to firmly believe
There is no more important matter.
And then it won't hurt
You are neither cold nor hot,
Choking with delight,
Do nonsense.

Hit frogs with sticks.
It is very interesting.
Tear off the wings of flies,
Let them run on foot.
Exercise daily
And a happy day will come -
you to some kingdom
They will be accepted as the chief executioner.

Girls should never be
Not to be noticed anywhere.
And don't give them a pass
Nowhere and never.
They need to put their feet up
Scare from around the corner
So that they immediately understand:
You don't care about them.
I met a girl - quickly
Stick your tongue out.
Let her not think
That you're in love with her.

Starting a fight with dad
Starting a fight with mom,
Try to surrender to your mother, -
Dad takes no prisoners.
By the way, find out from your mother,
Has she forgotten -
Beat prisoners on the butt with a belt
Prohibited by the Red Cross.

If you are the whole world of violence
Are you going to destroy
And at the same time you dream of becoming
Everything without being anything
Feel free to follow us
Along the paved road,
We will give you this path
We might even give in.

Don't settle for anything
With no one and never
And those who agree with you
Call them cowardly.
For this everyone will start you
Love and respect.
And you will have it everywhere
Full of friends.

If there are cockroaches in the kitchen
Marching around the table
And the mice are happy
There's a practice fight on the floor,
So it's time for you to go
Stop fighting for peace
And give up all your strength
To fight for purity.

If you are going to a friend
Tell me your troubles
Take a friend by the button
It's useless - he'll run away,
And it will leave you with a souvenir
This button is a friend.
Better give him a kick
Throw on the floor, sit on top
And then in detail
Tell me your trouble.

If you came to see your friends,
Don't say hello to anyone.
Words: "please", "thank you"
Do not tell anybody.
Turn away and ask questions
Don't answer anyone's questions.
And then no one will say
About you, that you are a talker.

If anything happened
And no one is to blame
Don't go there or else
You will be to blame.
Hide somewhere on the side.
And then go home.
And about the fact that I saw this,
Do not tell anybody.

If they didn't buy you a cake
And they didn’t take us to the cinema in the evening,
You need to be offended by your parents,
And go without a hat into the cold night.
But not just like that
Wander the streets
And in the dense dark
Forest to go.
There's a wolf right there for you
Hungry to meet,
And, of course, quickly
He will eat you.
Then mom and dad will know
They will scream, cry and run away.
And they will rush to buy cake,
And to the cinema with you
They'll pick you up in the evening.

Look what's going on
In every house at night.
Turning his nose to the wall,
The adults lie silently.
They move their lips
In the pitch darkness
And with my eyes closed
The heel is jerked in your sleep.
Don't agree to anything
Go to bed at night.
Don't let anyone
Putting you to bed.
Do you really want
My childhood years
Spend under the blanket
On a pillow, without pants?

There is a sure way to please adults:
In the morning, start yelling and littering,
Eavesdropping, whining, running around the house
Kicking and begging for gifts from everyone.
Be rude, cunning, tease and lie,
And in the evening suddenly stop for an hour, -
And immediately, stroking with a touched smile,
All the adults will pat you on the head
And they will say that you are a wonderful boy
And there is no child nicer than you.

If you came to the Christmas tree,
Demand your gift right away
Look, there's no candy
Santa Claus has not healed.
And don't you dare carefree
Bring home leftovers.
How mom and dad gallop -
Half will be taken away.

If punishment awaits you
For bad behavior
For example, for being in the bathroom
Have you bathed your cat?
Without asking permission
Neither the cat nor the mother,
I can suggest you a way
How to escape from punishment.
Hit your head on the floor,
Beat yourself in the chest with your hands
And sob and shout: “Oh, why did I torture the cat!?
I am worthy of terrible punishment!
My shame can only be redeemed by death!"
Not even half a minute will pass,
How, crying with you,
They will forgive you and, to console you,
They will run for a sweet cake.
And then calm down the cat
Lead me by the tail to the bath,
After all, a cat is a tell-all
He will never be able to.

For example, in your pocket
It turned out to be a handful of sweets,
And they came towards you
Your true friends.
Don't be scared and don't hide,
Don't rush to run away
Don't shove all the candy
Along with candy wrappers in your mouth.
Approach them calmly
Without saying unnecessary words,
Quickly taking it out of his pocket,
Give them... your palm.
Shake their hands firmly,
Say goodbye slowly
And, turning the first corner,
Rush home quickly.
To eat candy at home,
Get under the bed
Because there, of course,
You won't meet anyone.

Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white cloak.
Gently pour the juice onto the cloak -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's cloak,
The entire cloak must be put in
Into thick cherry juice.
Take your mother's cherry raincoat
And a mug of milk.
Pour the milk carefully -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's cloak,
The entire cloak must be put in
In a saucepan with milk.
Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white cloak.
Lay carefully...

If you broke a window,
Don't rush to admit it.
Wait, won't it start?
Suddenly there is a civil war.
The artillery will strike
Glass will fly out everywhere
And no one will scold
For a broken window.

Beat your friends without a break
Every day for half an hour,
And your muscles
It will become stronger than a brick.
And with mighty hands,
You, when the enemies come,
You can do it in difficult times
Protect your friends.

Never wash your hands
Neck, ears and face.
This is a stupid thing to do
Doesn't lead to anything.
Your hands will get dirty again
Neck, ears and face,
So why waste energy?
Time to waste.
It's also useless to get a haircut,
There's no point.
By old age by itself
Your head will go bald.

Never allow
Set a thermometer for yourself
And don't swallow pills,
And don't eat powders.
Let your stomach and teeth hurt,
Throat, ears, head,
Don't take any medicine anyway
And don't listen to the doctor.
The heart stops beating
But for sure
They won't stick mustard plaster on you
And they won't give you an injection.
If you are hospitalized
And you don’t want to lie there,
Wait until they come to your room
The most important doctor will come.

Bite him - and immediately
Your treatment will end
That same evening from the hospital
They'll take you home.

If mom is in the store
I just bought you a ball
And he doesn't want the rest
Buy everything he sees,
Stand straight, heels together,
Place your arms to the sides,
Open your mouth wider
And shout the letter "A"!
And when, dropping the bags,
With a cry: "Citizens! Alarm!"
Buyers will rush
Led by sellers
The store director is here to see you
He will crawl up and tell his mother: “Take everything for free,
Let him just shut up."

When you are your own mother
Leads to dentists
Don't expect mercy from her
Don't shed unnecessary tears.
Be silent like a captured partisan
And grit your teeth like that
So that she won’t be able to unclench them
Crowd of dentists.

If you stayed at home
Alone without parents
I can offer you
An interesting game
Titled "The Brave Chef"
Or "The Brave Cook".
The essence of the game is preparation.
All kinds of delicious dishes.
I suggest for starters
Here's a simple recipe:
Need to wear daddy's shoes
Pour out my mother's perfume,
And then these shoes
Apply shaving cream
And, watering them with fish oil
With black mascara in half,
Throw in the soup that mom
I prepared it in the morning.
And cook with the lid closed
Exactly seventy minutes.
You'll find out what happens
When the adults come.

If your friend is the best
Slipped and fell
Point your finger at a friend
And grab your stomach.
Let him see, lying in a puddle, -
You're not upset at all.
A real friend doesn't love
Upset your friends.

If you're not sure yet
We have chosen a path in life
And you don't know why
Start your labor journey,
Break the light bulbs in the hallways -
People will thank you.
You will help the people
Save electricity.

To kick you out of your apartment
Various flies and mosquitoes,
I need to pull back the curtain
And spin it over your head.
Pictures will fly off the walls,
There are flowers from the windowsill.
The TV will tumble
The chandelier will crash into the parquet.
And, escaping from the roar,
Mosquitoes will fly away
And the frightened flies
The flock will rush south.

If you decided in the morning
To behave,
Feel free to go into your closet
lead
And dive into the darkness.
There's no mother there
no dad
Only daddy's pants.
No one will shout there
loud:
"Stop it! Don't you dare!"
Don't touch me!"
It's much easier there
will,
Without disturbing anyone,
All day to yourself
decently
And lead decently.

Decided to fight - choose
The one who is weaker.
But the strong can fight back,
Why do you need her?
The younger the one you hit,
The more joyful the heart
Watch him cry, scream,
And he calls mommy.
But if suddenly for the baby
Someone stepped up
Run, scream and cry loudly,
And call mommy.

There is a reliable way dad
Drive you crazy forever.
Tell your dad honestly
What did you do yesterday.
If he can
Stay on your feet
Explain what to do
Tomorrow you think.
And when with a crazy look
Dad will sing songs
Call an ambulance.
Her phone number is 03.

If you were walking around wearing a hat,
And then she disappeared
Don't worry, mom is home
You can lie about something.
But try to lie beautifully,
To look in admiration,
Holding my breath, mom
I listened to lies for a long time.
But if you lied
About the lost hat
What is it in an unequal battle
A spy took it from you,
Try to mom
I didn’t go to be indignant
To foreign intelligence
They won't understand her that way.

“We need to share with the younger ones!”
“We need to help the younger ones!”
Never forget
These are the rules, friends.
Repeat very quietly
Theirs to someone older than you
So that the younger ones about it
We didn't find out anything.

If your hands are at lunch
You got the salad dirty
And you feel embarrassed about the tablecloth
Wipe your fingers,
Lower it discreetly
They are under the table, and it’s calm there
Wipe your hands
About the neighbor's pants.

If you're in your pocket
I didn't find a penny
Look into your neighbor's pocket -
Obviously the money is there.

If your desk neighbor
Became a source of infection
Hug him and off to school
You won't come for two weeks.

To spontaneous combustion
Didn't happen in the house
Leaving the premises
Take your iron with you.
Vacuum cleaner, electric stove,
TV and floor lamp
Better, with light bulbs together,
Take it to the neighboring yard.
And it will be even more reliable
Cut the wires
So that throughout your area
Immediately the light went out.
Here you can be sure
You're almost certainly
What from spontaneous combustion
The house was safely protected.

Matches are the best toy
For bored children.
Dad's tie, car passport -
Here's a small fire.
If you throw the slippers
Or put a broom
You can fry a whole chair
Cook the fish soup in the nightstand.
If adults are somewhere
The matches were hidden from you,
Explain to them that matches
For the fire you need.

If you wash your son
Mom suddenly discovers
That she is not washing her son,
And someone else's daughter...
Don't let mom be nervous
Well, does she care?
There are no differences
Between dirty children.

When you get old, go
Walk along the street.
Don't get on the bus, anyway
You'll have to stand there.
And nowadays there are few fools,
To give way,
And to those distant times
There won't be any of them at all.

If you played football
On the wide pavement
And, hitting the goal,
Suddenly we heard a whistle,
Don't shout "Goal!" maybe
This is a policeman
Whistled when hit
Not at the gate, but into him.

Running away from the tram,
Don't rush under the dump truck.
Wait at the traffic light
Won't show up yet
Ambulance car -
It's full of doctors
Let them crush you.
They will heal themselves later.

If you want enemies
Win with one blow
Rockets and shells for you,
And there's no need for cartridges.
Drop to them by parachute
...............................................
(Fill out this line yourself.)
An hour later the enemies, sobbing,
They will come running to surrender.
If you are the last one on the council
You don’t want to insert a line yourself,
Choose any one for yourself
From those offered to you.

Drop them by parachute:
Your little sister
Dad, grandma and mom,
Two bags of rubles and three rubles,
The headmistress of your school,
The full staff of teachers' council
Engine from "Zaporozhets"
Dozens of dentists
BOY CHERNOV SASHA,
LITTLE MASHA OSTER,
Tea from the school canteen,
The book "Bad Advice"...
An hour later the enemies, sobbing,
They will come running to surrender.

If you are called to dinner,
Hide proudly under the sofa
And lie there quietly,
So that they don’t find you right away.
And when from under the sofa
They will drag you by the legs,
Break out and bite
Don't give up without a fight.
If they do get it
And they will seat you at the table,
Knock back the cup
Pour the soup on the floor.
Cover your mouth with your hands
Fall down from the chair.
And throw the cutlets up,
Let them stick to the ceiling.
In a month people will say
With respect about you: “He looks thin and dead,
But the character is strong."

If you decide first
To join the ranks of your fellow citizens -
Never catch up
Rushing forward.
Five minutes later, cursing,
They will run back
And then, leading the crowd,
You will rush ahead.

If to dad or mom
Adult aunt came
And someone important leads
And a serious conversation
Need from behind unnoticed
sneak up on her and then
Shout loudly in your ear:
"Stop! Surrender! Hands up!"
And when auntie gets off the chair
He'll fall out of fright
And he'll spill it on his dress
Tea, compote or jelly,
It's probably very loud
Mom will laugh
And, proud of my child,
Dad will shake your hand.
Dad will take you by the shoulder
And it will lead somewhere.
It'll probably be there for a very long time
Dad will praise you.

Get yourself a notebook
And write down in detail
Who's who at recess
How many times have I sent it to where?
Who is the physical education teacher with?
I drank kefir in the gym,
And what does dad say to mom at night?
He whispered quietly in his ear.

If sharp objects
You caught my eye
Try them deeper
Stick it into yourself.
This is the best way
See for yourself
What are dangerous items?
We must hide it from children.

Are you being held accountable?
Well, know how to answer.
Don't shake, don't whine, don't mumble,
Never hide your eyes.
For example, my mother asked:
"Who scattered the toys?"
Answer that it's dad
He brought his friends.
Did you get into a fight with your little brother?
Say he's the first
Kicked you in the neck
And he swore like a bandit.
If they ask who's in the kitchen
I bit all the cutlets,
Answer that the cat is the neighbor's,
And perhaps. the neighbor himself.
No matter what you've done wrong,
Learn to answer.
For each one's actions
I must answer boldly.

If you are determined
Steal a plane to the West,
But you can't think of it
How to scare pilots
Read passages to them
From today's newspaper, -
And they go to any country
They will fly away with you.

It's better to tease from the window,
From the eighth floor.
From a tank is also good,
When the armor is strong.
But if you want to bring
People to bitter tears,
They're the safest
Tease on the radio.

When a guest drops his cup,
Don't hit your guest in the forehead.
Give me another cup, let me
He drinks tea calmly.
When this cup is a guest
Will fall off the table
Pour tea into his glass,
And let him drink in peace.
When will all the dishes be a guest?
In the apartment he will interrupt,
I'll have to pour some sweet tea
By the scruff of his neck.

If you are on the phone
Called a fool
And they didn’t wait for an answer,
Throwing the phone down,
Dial quickly
From any random numbers
And to the one who picks up the phone,
Let me know - I'm a fool myself.

Address of the school where
I was lucky to study
Like a multiplication table
Remember firmly, by heart,
And when will it happen to you
Meet a saboteur
Without wasting a minute,
Please provide the school address.

Don't be upset if
Calling mom to school
Or dad.
Do not be shy,
Bring the whole family.
Let uncles and aunts come
And second cousins
If you have a dog,
Bring her too.

If you decided to sister
Just to scare as a joke,
And she’s down the wall from you
Runs away barefoot
So the jokes are funny
They don't reach her
And you shouldn’t give it to your sister
Live mice in slippers.

If you caught your sister
With the grooms in the yard,
Don't rush her quickly
Give it to mom and dad.
Let the parents first
She will be given in marriage
Then you'll tell your husband
Everything you know about your sister.

If he's chasing you
Too many people
Ask them in detail
What are they upset about?
Try to console everyone.
Give everyone advice
But reduce the speed
Absolutely no use.

Don't be offended by
Who hits you with their hands?
And don't be lazy every time
Thank him
For sparing no effort,
He hits you with his hands
And I could take it in these hands
And a stick and a brick.

If a friend's birthday
I invited you to my place,
You leave the gift at home -
It will come in handy yourself.
Try to sit next to the cake.
Don't engage in conversations.
You're talking
Eat half as much candy.
Choose smaller pieces
To swallow faster.
Don't grab the salad with your hands -
You can scoop up more with a spoon.
If they suddenly give you nuts,
Place them carefully in your pocket,
But don't hide the jam there -
It will be difficult to take it out.

A book about the delicious and healthy food of the cannibal

Never agree to listen to this book and never read it yourself. If they do force you to read or force you to read it out loud, close your eyes, plug your ears with your fingers and shout something loud so that you are sure not to hear anything. The main thing to remember is that it is not true that the cannibal eats only ill-mannered boys and girls. He likes the well-mannered ones even more because they are much tastier. And also, know that there is a very simple way to escape from the cannibal when he catches you. At the very last second, as soon as he opens his mouth, say in a nasty voice: “Have you washed your hands?” “No,” the cannibal will say. “Here, go, wash,” you say, “and then sit down at the table.” And when the cannibal runs to wash his hands, shout after him: “With soap, with soap! I'll check!" No self-respecting cannibal will ever return to you after this, and you can slowly get out of your plate and calmly go home for dinner.

Dear parents! Here is a home educator's cookbook. This is a terrible piece of work. Don't even think about reading it to your children at night! Only in the morning! And only if you still decided to lecture them in the morning, throw reproaches at them, prick them with reproaches, and also nag them, poke them, bug them and poke their noses at what they had done until lunchtime. Then it’s better to read to them a book about the delicious and healthy food of the cannibal. In the end, going through different methods of education, it is not difficult to come to the thought: “The simplest and least funny thing a person can do to a person is to eat him!”

ARGUY WITH A HOT NOSE

Place a very arrogant girl in a frying pan, praise her several times, as soon as she lifts her nose, pour sunflower oil over it, fry it well and eat while praising.

SEALED GIRLS

Select dirty, disheveled crybaby girls, wash, comb their hair and tightly fill a strong wooden tub with them. You don’t need to sprinkle salt - the girls themselves will cry a tub full of salty tears.

JERKED BOYS

Take several boys who have not eaten anything and hang them by the collar on a hanger in the hallway. Do not take pictures under any circumstances, even if they ask you to leave for a minute. After a few days, the boys will acquire a specific taste and aroma.

CURIOUS GIRLS WITH SOFT BUNS

Lock the curious girls in the oven and, while they are hustling around the cracks, cook as many buns as possible. Serve separately, without showing a single bun to curious girls.

BROTH WITH RASTERS

Place bay leaves, peppers, and boiled carrots cut into slices in the rasteras' pockets, and place the rasteras in meat or chicken broth.

After a few minutes, everything that was put in the pockets will be lost and will begin to float in the broth. The finished dish can be served to the table.

SPOILED CHILDREN WITH EGG YOLK

Pamper the children beyond belief, then roll them in egg yolk, sprinkle them with sugar and, without allowing them to lick each other, serve them immediately.

CANNED DIRTY

Take several boys rolled in mud, add one girl smeared with jam to them, put them all in an opaque glass jar, close the lid tightly and put them in a dark place so that no one can ever see them. Canned grub nicely decorates any table.

KRIVLYAKA IN HIS OWN DRESS

Remove the sandals from the grimacing girl and place her on a dish smeared with mustard. Sandals can be eaten later as a snack.

Screamer with whipped cream

Throw the loudly screaming boy waving his arms into thick cream and, as soon as a lot of foam appears, carry him to the table, having previously plugged his ears with cotton wool.

BORSHCH FROM BUGS WITH FIGHTERS

Take the same number of sneaks and brawlers, put them in the same pan, cover them with tomato paste, mix well and cook, often throwing beets at the sneaks and brawlers. Instead of salt, you can add a few crybabies to the already prepared borscht.

SALAD OF TOUGH BOYS AND GIRLS

Pour cold water over three very offended boys and four even more offended girls, cut the onion into thin slices and sprinkle it on the heads of all the offended ones until they are completely offended. The finished salad can be decorated with a large angry girl on top.

STUPID BOY WITH DUMPLINGS

First, cook the dumplings over low heat, and then quickly throw them at the boy who is constantly talking nonsense.

When serving a boy to the table, you don’t have to plug your ears with cotton wool, but simply ignore everything he says.

SLIMS IN CHEESE

Release a dozen sneaks and one crawl onto the kitchen table, and put a piece of cheese with a lot of holes there. As soon as the sneaky ones sniff out the holes and get into the cheese, spread the bread with butter, cover with cheese and have a snack.

Cunning people in crackers

Soak the three tricksters in milk and roll them in breadcrumbs. Throw it into the frying pan and, without succumbing to any tricks, fry for an hour. Just don’t forget: the better they are fried, the smarter they are.

CAUGHT STILLS WITH STUPIDS

If you come across at least five stupid children at once, you can cook them into a tasty and nutritious dish. Slowly drop large cabbage leaves into boiling water, and then put one stupid child in each cabbage leaf and wrap it in the form of sausages.

HNYKALKI COLD WITH HORRISHED

Place the whining girls in even rows on a platter or plate, garnish with parsley, colorful bows and lettuce leaves. Stuff green onions between them and pour vinegar over it all, adding a little grated dry horseradish.

FOOL WITH POPPY

Sprinkle poppy seeds on an incredibly stupid girl and promise her whatever she wants. Eat happy.

GREEDY IN THEIR OWN JUICE

Take a few selected greedy people and give them as much delicious juice as possible. Then throw all the greedy ones, along with their juice, into a deep saucepan and add salt and pepper to taste.

It is better to eat greedy people by swallowing them whole, because they will never part with even the smallest piece.

WARRIOR WITH SOUR GOOPS

Place the trembling, trembling girl with fear on her stomach down on the kitchen board. Waving a very sharp, huge knife in front of her nose for a long time. When goosebumps run down the girl’s back, collect them in a small saucepan with a lid, boil them in lemon juice and release them back onto her back. A warrior with sour goosebumps will taste even better if you shoot him behind her back with a toy pistol with caps before eating.

SOUR CHILDREN'S SHIPPING SOUP

Select the children with the most sour faces. Soak in citric acid and try. The ones that are too sour are immediately thrown out the door, and the rest are put in a saucepan, filled up to their ears with water and cooked, cooked, cooked - until they cheer up. Good cabbage soup from sour children!

INCIDENT IN TOMATO

Shave the arrogant boy, discourage him from being rude and pour tomato juice into all his pockets. In this form it is already ready and very useful.

INSPIRED GIRLS UNDER MAYONNAISE

Place a dozen hot-tempered girls in a pan with olive oil and put it on the stove. As soon as they boil, immediately pour cold mayonnaise on top. A very high-calorie dish.

SAUSAGE WITH HUMBLES

Three shy girls are placed on a plate next to the sausage and shamed until they are browned. This is where you eat it.

PILAF WITH SPITTING CHILDREN

Bury the spitting children as deeply as possible in the warm boiled rice and immediately cover with a lid. As soon as the pilaf is ready, immediately remove the lid and eat it quickly, otherwise they will dig you up, spit from head to toe and spit into your soul.

BULLIES IN UNIFORM WITH HOT BULLIES

Warm up the bullies and, as soon as they get hot, throw a few bullies with bloody noses at them. Usually they eat the bullies first, and then feast on the bullies, from which three or four skins must be skinned before eating.

Small fry in pots

Place the small fry together with the pots into a large cauldron, mix thoroughly, season to taste and eat before lunch to stimulate the appetite.

UGLY BOY WITH PEPPER

Choose from among the nasty boys someone who makes you sick to look at, give him pepper, pour ketchup down his collar and bring it to the guests, warning that the boy might do something dirty by putting a pig in his place.

FLOUR DISHES FROM POCHEMUCHEK

You can prepare many hearty and tasty dishes from whycheks if, without answering any questions, you immediately roll the whycheks into the dough, having first sealed their mouths with thick butter cream.

JULIEN FROM IMAGINE

Place very proud and self-satisfied children in small saucepans with pre-prepared gravy. Cook for an hour. After that, lift the lids and try. If they turn out to be too proud, let them eat themselves.

PET IN SYRUP AND WITH CREAM

Cover your sweet pet from head to toe with thick cherry syrup and decorate with cream roses. Eat in small portions so as not to vomit.

HITTING BOY WITH SAUCE

Scare the cowardly boy greatly, put him in a large saucepan, pour plenty of semolina porridge on him and cook for a long time, occasionally lifting the lid of the saucepan and slightly scaring him so that he does not stop hiccupping. When serving, give it a big scare again.

Sweet tooths in marinade

Three sweet tooths, who have eaten cakes, sweets and marmalade in the morning, are marinated in a glass jar and stored in a cool, dry place. During the winter season, they can serve as a good snack.

OMELET FROM JUVENILE DEFENDANTS

Select two dozen small-scale swindlers (the smaller the better), squeeze a confession out of each and, having removed all suspicion from them, toss them in a frying pan until they completely repent. If they don’t crack, figure it out.

SAD CHILDREN WITH SOUR CREAM

Children who don’t know what to do are placed in a very large saucepan, filled with sour cream up to their knees and left there to wander around with nothing to do until the evening. Eat for dinner.

SONYA WITH FILLING

Place the sleepy, yawning girl on a baking sheet and cover with a large number of large red tomatoes. Every time he yawns, stuff three of them into it. The tomato-stuffed dormouse sleeps like the dead, and you can boil, fry or simmer it over low heat. Before you eat, wake him up.

FORSHMAK FROM HULIGANS

You can make a good mincemeat out of hooligans if you give them as much heat as possible and, raising the temperature to one hundred degrees, do not let them go down for an hour. Place the hooligans brought to a boil on plates; as soon as they cool down, forgive and eat.

RAZZYAVS STUFFED WITH CRAVES

Having opened their mouths open, drive them onto the birch tree, wait for more crows to fly into their mouths, remove the harvest from the birch, clamp the gaped mouths with clothespins so that the crows do not fly away, and for grandma’s birthday, bake the gaped crows stuffed into a big beautiful pie.

FAST FROZEN GIRLS

Treat three girls to twenty servings of ice cream at once. When they eat it, give seven more servings. As soon as the girls stuffed with ice cream are frozen, put on mittens and, carefully picking up the jingling girls by the legs, put them in the freezer. On a hot summer day there is nothing nicer than a hard, cold girl.

COMPOTE OF SPOILED BOYS

If your boys are completely spoiled, make compote out of them. To do this, you need to properly treat the spoiled boys, having first taken the soul out of them.

RUBBER WITH MUSHROOMS

Rub the boy shouting insolence with garlic and feed him fly agarics. When eating a brute rubbed with garlic and fed with fly agarics, be prepared to hear from him many words that are new to you.

SCHNITZEL FROM DUR

Gather the idiots together, let them speak, and immediately cook a big juicy schnitzel from the idiots who spoke. Chew thoroughly and swallow.

STINKY WITH VANILLA

A boy who has never washed himself should be shaved bald, sprinkled with vanilla, sprinkled with cologne and swallowed, holding his and his nose.

CHILDREN WITH COLD EARS

Children who refuse to wear hats are placed on ice and covered with snow. After an hour, dig up, measure the temperature and pull the ears. If the temperature is below forty and the ears are not falling off yet, bury them in the snow again.

WET CHICKEN FUCKING

Place a rag on the bottom of the pan. Take rokhlya, sour milk, tutya and several wet chickens, spread it all over the walls of the pan and pour jelly over it. If it turns out sour, throw it away.

SLOTS WITH CLEANS

Place an equal number of neaties and slobs in one bowl, throw in three pieces of soap, two washcloths, ten shoe brushes and one clothes brush, pour in fresh dirt, wait until the cleanliness are cleaned and the slobs are dirty, and solemnly serve.

FIDDIES ON SPITS

Boys and girls who have not sat still for a minute are skewered one by one and placed on the coals. Do not turn the spit. Fidgets themselves will turn upside down every two minutes. Remove the finished fidgets from the spit, place the boys and girls on different plates, calm them down and eat them.

Wimps and Wimps with STRONG DRINKS

Pour a strong drink into a glass, pick up a bunch of squishies by the collar, swallow them all at once and quickly drink to their health. Snack on the weaklings.

SMART GUYS WITH BOILED BRAINS

It is good to raise very smart children, teach algebra, physics, botany and three foreign languages. Place in a pot. If the pot doesn't cook, it means there were no brains. Eat without your brains.

A SPICY DISH OF SCRATCHING GIRLS

Both large and small girls are suitable for this dish, but always with uncut nails. Wash the selected girls in hot brine and place them in a tub, shaking it from time to time so that more can fit. When taking out ready-made girls after a month, you need to carefully monitor so that you don’t get a biter among the scratching ones.

NURNY IN A BROTH OF TEARS

Throw sad crybabies into the saucepan. Add a few spoons of sugar. Do not pour water, do not pour salt. Very upsetting several times. As soon as they shed a tear, cover tightly with a lid and leave to sob over low heat. After an hour, the crybabies, drowning in tears, can be served, having previously seasoned the broth with kicking roaring cows.

COWARDY IN SOOT PANTS

Tell a timid boy a very scary tale, if his pants remain dry, make a face, show his teeth and, as soon as the pants are thoroughly wet and well soaked, start eating.

Naughty in chocolate

In the evening, melt the chocolate, dip the naughty boy headlong into it and leave it to dry in a draft until the morning. In the morning, when the chocolate has hardened, you can top the birthday cake with a chocolate naughty figurine.

MARCHING BOYS MEAT

Line up the marching boys according to their height, let them smell gunpowder, weed out those who are out of the ordinary, and put the rest through a meat grinder. Don't let him go back. Sprinkle the finished mixture with toy pistols and drumsticks and make one big cutlet out of the marching boys.

BITS FROM BANGED BOYS

Pluck some freshly beheaded boys and gut their pockets for nails, slingshots and percussion caps. Dip them in flour, sprinkle salt on top, grease the bottom with oil, fry and eat as quickly as possible before they do something bad again.

BOYS LOOK LIKE A GIRL WITH SOFT FINGERS

Pour several pampered, languid boys into one saucepan, dilute with sweet water, dilute with fragrant shampoo and hand cream, dissolve two handkerchiefs and four lace collars in the resulting slurry. After two hours, strain through gauze and drink in small sips.

FULL PRESCHOOL CHILDREN

If you want to save your preschool supplies until spring, melt them all down. Then put each preschooler in a separate, pre-heated jar, crumble a few picture books into each jar so that the preschooler does not get bored and, tightly covering the lid, lower it into the cold cellar.

PASTA CONFUSION

Boil a full pot of pasta, drain the water and place the pasta in a deep plate. Throw in a child who has confused his parents. Wait until he gets completely confused, gets lost and gets tangled in the pasta. As soon as it completely stops floundering and gets stuck forever, set it on the right path, add a piece of butter and eat it.

FORGETIVE CHILDREN WITH CHICKEN MEMORY

Take as many children with holes in their heads as possible and fill their heads with exceptions to the rules. Pluck the chicken memory, gut it, tell the children to keep an eye on it and put it in the pressure cooker with them. As soon as the exceptions fly out of the children's heads, and the chicken memory is lost on them, start eating.

JERKED FOOLS WITH FELT FEET FEET FEET FEET FULL OF BEER

String the stupid boys on a string and hang them on the balcony. Buy ten bottles of beer and a pair of felt boots. Uncork the bottles and pour the beer into felt boots. While drinking beer from felt boots on the balcony, pull the dried fools from the string and eat the beer with them.

MUMMY WITH PORRIDGE IN YOUR MOUTH

A child who does not want to pronounce a single letter should be seated at the table and filled to the ears with porridge. Place the porridge that does not fit on your ears, in your sandals and in your bosom. Fry well and serve with a salad of vigorous, fresh balabolkas.

PANCAKES WITH SLIPPERY BOYS

Collect some boys who have been wallowing in the mud, smear them with goose fat and wrap each boy in a separate pancake. If any boy slips out of the pancake onto the floor, do not pick him up, but take another one just like him. If there aren't enough pancakes, throw the extra boys back into the dirt.

VINAIGRETTE OF RAW CHILDREN

Take the children out of their cribs in the morning. Select the raw ones, put them in a deep plate and cover them with the same sheets. Drizzle sunflower oil on top and serve for breakfast.

VICIOUS CHILD IN TEST

Soften the fierce child, who throws himself at everyone, a little, butter him, cover him with dough on all sides, place him in the oven and slowly bring him to white heat. Remove from the oven, soften it again and soften it again on a plate.

LOSED GIRLS

Melt the butter in a frying pan and release the completely loose girls onto it. After they run around the frying pan for about twenty minutes, they* can be served, having first finely chopped... lemon peel and sprinkled it on the girls' heads.

PIES WITH STICKS AND STICKS

Pies with such a filling must be made strong enough and durable, otherwise the pesters with the sticky ones will get out and will never get rid of you. As a last resort, sprinkle them with pepper and smear them in mustard - maybe they will come off.

AZU FROM EGOZA

Stop the fidgety third-grader spinning like a top, cut her shoes into thin slices and throw them into the bubbling gravy.

When serving, make sure that she does not splash your guests with hot gravy while jumping on the plate with a string.

HUGE MAN PUSHING WITH A GOOSE CARASS

A large, healthy seventh grader was waylaid in the school cafeteria. As soon as he pushes the kids aside and makes his way forward, grab him across the body and put him in a cast-iron goose bowl along with the goose. Allow both carcasses to stew well, and the main thing is to make sure that they do not push each other out of the goose nest.

PEPPER BOY WITH SWEET PEPPERS

Take a child who disagrees with nothing and, without listening to his objections, place him in a cauldron with sweet peppers. Simmer for an hour, not paying attention to angry protests and indignant cries. Place on a plate along with the peppers and, without getting into arguments, eat in silence.

TIRED OF BORED IN HOT LIVERS

Buy fresh beef livers at the market and bake them in them, first wrapping them in a cotton blanket so that it (the hateful one) does not cool the hot livers. Eating carefully, if it gets across your throat, push it through.

PEAS SCARED WITH DILL

A child who has put on his pants backwards, pulled his shirt upside down and confused his left shoe with his right, put in this form on a dish and cover his head with finely chopped dill. This will improve the taste and appearance of the dish and, in addition, enrich it with vitamins.

BERRY JAM WITH NASTERS

Instead of throwing worthless girls into the trash, make berry jam out of them. Having separated those that can still recover, put the rest in bowls with crumpled, crushed and wormy berries, sprinkle generously with powdered sugar and cook until the worms from the berries crawl onto the girls. Cool the finished jam and eat it if you don’t feel sick.

BROOCH OF THOROUGH BEEPS

Free the stomping and constantly snarling little creature from the thorns, sand it and cook until it turns blue. Pour the resulting broth onto the floor. Wipe the floor with a rag. Wring out the rag into a jar. Close the jar tightly with a lid and hide it from other children.

GARDEN GULENS WITH WILD GROWING GULIANS

Wild gulens most often grow inconspicuous, dirty and small bunches, while garden gulens, as a rule, ripen in large pairs and have delicate skin with a strong, tart smell. It is best to collect both on a warm summer evening. Store in wicker baskets separately from each other to prevent spoilage. Wash before use, place in a circle on a spacious dish, prohibit singing stupid songs with a guitar, and serve after dinner as a dessert.

SELF-ENJOYED SCHOOLGIRL

Place the girl, delighted with her appearance, in front of the mirror, let her look at herself until she forgets herself, shower her with large bows and small buttons, delight her and serve her for tea.

GRUMBLE SQUIRRING WITH CRISPY CRUSH

First boil a child who is constantly grumbling, dissatisfied with everything and everyone, and then fry on both sides until a crispy crust appears. If he doesn’t like that either, spank him right in the frying pan, throw him on the floor and send him home.

PRETZELS FROM STUNNED LENGTHS

Bend the overgrown slouching child into an arch, fold it in half, tie it with a bow, cover it with cotton candy on all sides and surround it with care, caring for and nurturing it every day from the morning until you receive your passport. Eat it along with your passport.

BOY SCREECHING FRIED

The squealing, screaming, kicking, kicking and rolling on the floor boy can simply be fried and eaten without further ado.

FANTASERS WITHOUT Wrappers

Boys with wild imaginations are wrapped in candy wrappers and thrown into a large cake box. As soon as the box is full, put it in the cupboard. When you want something special, take it out one at a time and demand that it unfold and go into your mouth on its own.

STEAMED TORMANTS WITH SOUR CARRIONS

Hang the brats on strings over a boiling cauldron. Those who escape should be caught with a net and hung up again. After fifteen minutes, remove the first pair of steamed tomboys from the strings and place them on a dish along with the apples that have fallen from the branches. Place the remaining tomboys on a dish as soon as they are steamed. Place a dish with carrion and tomboys in the center of the table and invite guests.

Grigory Oster

HARMFUL ADVICE 1, 2, 3, 4

Bad advice 1

A book for naughty children and their parents

Scientists have recently discovered that there are naughty children in the world who do everything the other way around. They are given useful advice: “Wash your face in the morning” - they take it and don’t wash it. They are told: “Say hello to each other” - they immediately begin not to greet each other. Scientists have come up with the idea that such children should be given not useful, but harmful advice. They will do everything the other way around, and it will turn out just right.

This book is for naughty children.

Lost Child

Must remember that it's

They'll take you home as soon as

He will tell you his address.

We need to act smarter

Say: "I live

Near a palm tree with a monkey

On distant islands."

Lost child

If he's not a fool,

Will not miss the right opportunity

Visit different countries.

Hands never anywhere

Don't touch anything.

Don't get involved in anything

And don't go anywhere.

Move aside silently

Stand modestly in the corner

And stand quietly, without moving,

Until your old age.

Who hasn't jumped out of a window?

Together with my mother's umbrella,

That dashing parachutist

Doesn't count yet.

Don't fly like a bird

Above the excited crowd

Don't put him in the hospital

With a bandaged leg.

If the whole family goes swimming

You went to the river

Don't bother mom and dad

Sunbathe on the shore.

Don't start a scream

Give the adults a break.

Without pestering anyone,

Try to drown.

There is no more pleasant thing to do

What to pick your nose with.

Everyone is terribly interested

What's hidden inside?

And who is disgusted to look,

Let him not even look.

We don’t get in his way,

Let him not bother you either.

If your mom caught you

For what you love,

For example, while drawing

In the hallway on the wallpaper,

Explain to her what it is -

Your surprise for the Eighth of March.

The painting is called:

“Portrait of my dear mother.”

Don't take someone else's if

Strangers are looking at you.

Let them close their eyes

Or they’ll go out for an hour.

Why be afraid of your own people?

They won’t tell about their own people.

Let them look. Grab someone else's

And drag him to yours.

Never stupid questions

Don't ask yourself

Or even more stupid

You will find the answer to them.

If the questions are stupid

Appeared in my head

Ask them straight away to adults.

Let their brains crack.

Visit often

Theater buffet.

There are cakes with cream,

Water with bubbles.

Like firewood on plates

The chocolates are lying

And through a tube you can

Drink a milkshake.

Don't ask for tickets

To the balcony and to the stalls,

Let them give you tickets

To the theater buffet.

Leaving the theater

You will take it with you

Under a trembling heart,

In the stomach, a sandwich.

Born a girl - be patient

Trips and pushes.

And put your pigtails on everyone,

Who wouldn't mind pulling them?

But someday later

Show them the fig

And you will say: “Figurines, for you

I won’t get married!”

If you and your friends are together

Have fun in the yard

And in the morning they put it on you

Your new coat,

You shouldn't crawl in puddles

And roll on the ground

And climb fences

Hanging from nails.

So as not to spoil or stain

Your new coat,

We need to make it old.

This is done like this:

Get right into the puddle

Roll on the ground

And a little on the fence

Hang on nails.

Very soon it will become old

Your new coat,

Now you can calmly

Have fun in the yard.

You can safely crawl in puddles

And roll on the ground

And climb fences

Hanging from nails.

If you're down the hall

Ride your bike

And towards you from the bathroom

Dad went out for a walk

Don't turn into the kitchen

There is a solid refrigerator in the kitchen.

Better brake like dad.

Dad is soft. He will forgive.

If you are united forever,

Illuminated and lead,

Don't try to dodge

From movement to celebration.

Still will raise to work

And it will inspire you to heroism

You are great and mighty,

And our reliable stronghold.

The main business of your life

Any trifle can become a problem.

You just have to firmly believe

There is no more important matter.

And then it won't hurt

You are neither cold nor hot,

Choking with delight,

Do nonsense.

Hit frogs with sticks.

It is very interesting.

Tear off the wings of flies,

Let them run on foot.

Exercise daily

And a happy day will come -

you to some kingdom

They will be accepted as the chief executioner.

Girls should never be

Not to be noticed anywhere.

And don't give them a pass

Nowhere and never.

They need to put their feet up

Scare from around the corner

So that they immediately understand:

You don't care about them.

I met a girl - quickly

Stick your tongue out.

Let her not think

That you're in love with her.

Starting a fight with dad

Starting a fight with mom,

Try to surrender to your mother, -

Dad takes no prisoners.

By the way, find out from your mother,

Has she forgotten?

Beat prisoners on the butt with a belt

Prohibited by the Red Cross.

If you are the whole world of violence

Are you going to destroy

And at the same time you dream of becoming

Everything without being anything

Feel free to follow us

Along the paved road,

We will give you this path

We might even give in.

Don't settle for anything

With no one and never

And those who agree with you

Call them cowardly.

For this everyone will start you

Love and respect.

And you will have it everywhere

Full of friends.

If there are cockroaches in the kitchen

Marching around the table

And the mice are happy

There's a practice fight on the floor,

So it's time for you to go

Stop fighting for peace

And give up all your strength

To fight for purity.

If you are going to a friend

At one time, the well-known G. Oster wrote a book of “bad advice” for children. Now children know what to do to drive their parents crazy with minimal stress for themselves. What remains for parents? Suffering from disobedient offspring and once again cleaning up the soil scattered on the carpet from a flower pot? No, it won't work that way! Therefore, so that parents do not feel bitter and offended, we decided to provide you with our own version of “bad advice” - but now for parents! What do mothers and fathers need to do to raise their child “correctly”?

“Bad advice” for raising preschool children

1. After playing with the child, put him back where you took him from.

2. Remember that children never spit on a dirty floor - so wash it as little as possible.

3. If you need to achieve something, you have 3 ways to do it: hire someone, do it yourself, or forbid your child to do it.

4. Children will help you learn a lot about yourself - for example, how much patience do you have?

5. If you are too lazy to play hide and seek with your child, do not lie to him under the guise of being busy at work. It’s better to combine business with pleasure - “hide” on a business trip for a week, and let the child look for you!

6. Remember that children often have inferiority complexes. Therefore, you, as a responsible parent, are simply obliged to prevent this: do not show either your mental or physical superiority over your child, during a serious conversation with him, drool, cross your eyes, stick out your tongue.

7. If you have a small child at home, always look into the oven before turning it on.

8. There is a way to take revenge on your children for the years of parental hard labor - for example, live as long as possible!

9. If you don’t know what a child is, remember: it’s noise covered in dirt.

10. If your son climbed a tree and cannot get down, do not shake the tree or try to knock the child down with a stick. Autumn will come, it will ripen and fall on its own.

11. Does your child not listen to you? There can be many reasons for this: he doesn’t hear you, doesn’t understand, you explain too vaguely. But against all these reasons there is one sure remedy: hit the butt, hit the butt and hit the butt again!

12. If your child doesn’t eat well, there is a proven way to feed him with maximum benefit. For example, take food out of the plate and scatter it on the floor in his room. After that, put your child in there - he will start dragging everything from the floor into his mouth - and he will eat himself, and will save you from having to wash the plates.

13. If you understand that you have nothing more to say to your child, send him to wash.

14. If your child cries for a long time and does not calm down, try to stop hitting him - he will calm down instantly.

15. If a child has stumped you with his question, immediately put him in a corner.

16. There is a surefire way to block a child’s access to a jar of jam. Lock the jam and put the key in the soap dish.

17. If you want your child to hear you, talk quietly in his presence...to someone else!

18. Fathers, never raise your hand to your child - this will leave your groin unprotected!

19. If your child is constantly sulking at everyone, buy him a trumpet, trombone or saxophone - he has talent!

20. And finally, the perfect recipe for getting your baby ready for bed. Take a young child (about 15 kg), wash him thoroughly in warm water. After this, dry it with a towel, wrap the clean baby in pajamas and press it lightly to your chest. After this, strain the story through your teeth (no more than 5 minutes), slowly rocking the child. After 5 minutes, place the child in the prepared container, preferably a bed.

“Bad advice” for raising schoolchildren

1. Remember: if your child has disgusting handwriting, this is a sign that he needs to be trained to become a doctor.

2. As soon as your child enters first grade, throw away all his toys - he has already grown up, and nothing should distract him from his studies.

3. Your child should not have free time - load him to capacity, enroll him in various sections so that he does not relax.

4. If a child suddenly starts stealing money from you, and you suspect it, do not traumatize his psyche, do not shout at him or swear. Have a fun and relaxed search of his room, and then, having discovered the stolen property, play with the whole family in execution or public trial.

5. When your child goes to school, iron discipline should become the main element of his life. Regardless of whether he loses his zest for life.

6. Praising a child is the last thing! After all, he might get proud. And he doesn’t need to raise his self-esteem - it’s such a small thing!

7. To understand the motives of your child’s behavior, try to do the same thing as he does: for example, secretly smoke or break a couple of windows with a slingshot.

8. Force your child to rewrite the entire text even because of the slightest blot - after all, there is no better way to love writing than rewriting.

9. If your son brings back bad grades from school, don’t beat him or scold him. It’s much better to take a belt, come to school and whip... the teacher!

10. And so that your child doesn’t get bad grades from school and tries harder, be sure to set other children as an example. After all, envy is a very important feeling, much more important than self-confidence.

11. And for your child to do better at school, be sure to worry in front of him and express your dissatisfaction with teachers, scare him with creepy stories about school and the relationship between the teacher and students. Sometimes you can even lie about something - it’s even more effective!

12. Don’t even think about going to parent-teacher meetings or just to talk with the teacher. After all, parent-teacher meetings are a waste of money, and the teacher won’t tell you anything new during the conversation anyway. You won’t believe that your sweet child may not behave as sweetly as you are used to? It would be good to explain the reasons for your “not coming” to school with a wide variety of verbal epithets, ranging from the mental abilities of the teacher to the intelligence of the child’s father. And, of course, do all this in the presence of your first grader!

13. If your grown-up child begs you to buy him a bicycle, fulfill his request. After all, children grow up quickly - and soon you will still get a bicycle.

14. If in the morning your child is capricious and does not want to have breakfast, force feed him. It doesn’t matter that the day starts with tears and a bad mood - but the child will not go to school hungry.

15. If you want to help your child with homework, do them for him. It doesn’t matter that he won’t learn anything - but everything will be done quickly and without problems.

16. To help your child get ready quickly and not forget anything, pack his briefcase yourself. And dress it yourself too. After all, independence in the future will only hinder him and lead him astray from the “true path.”

17. The best after-school rest for a child is a computer and TV. And you feel calm, and the child goes about his business and does not bully you. And walking with him after school is so exhausting!

18. In general, a child does not need to rest after school - it is better to do his homework right away, while everything is fresh in his memory.

19. A child should go to bed on his own and, of course, without any bedtime stories: he is already big, and reading bedtime stories is just your bad habit.

20. And finally, if you suddenly notice that your child smokes, do not rush to punish him. Maybe he has long been an adult?

Of course, all this “bad advice” is a joke. But, as you know, “in every joke...”. If you recognize your actions towards your child in any of these tips, reconsider them so that from now on such advice is used only to laugh, and not in the real upbringing of children. Laugh for your health - because laughter prolongs life!

Over time, every faithologist begins to realize that we all live in a world through the looking glass and everything is turned upside down, which can be seen in absolutely all areas of life. And if you want to live a long, happy and effective life, then you need to do the opposite, and not like everyone else.

And what does Grigory Oster write in his harmful advice (by the way, Grigory Benzionovich Oster (emphasis on the “o” in the surname, contrary to the rules of the Russian language):)? Right! He calls for doing the opposite, i.e. not as usual:

Quote:

Scientists have recently discovered that there are naughty children in the world who...
everyone does the opposite. They are given useful advice: “Wash your face in the morning” - they
They take it and don’t wash it. They are told: “Say hello to each other” - they immediately
they start not saying hello. Scientists have come up with the idea that such children should be given
useful and harmful advice. They will do everything the other way around, and it will turn out just right
Right.

Here’s an interesting thing: if you want to hide something, then put it in the most visible place. Where is Znapravets most likely not to look for the truth? There will definitely not be recent history in children's fiction rhymes! Well, everything can’t be so straightforward and simple for Odessa Grigory Benzionovich Oster!

And read this:

Quote:

Are executioners needed? Educate your talent from childhood!

Or this:
Quote:

The instruction is that if you cannot stop some (goyish) movement, then lead it.

And this:
Quote:

Don't settle for anything
With no one and never
And those who agree with you
Call them cowardly.
For this everyone will start you
Love and respect.
And you will have it everywhere
Full of friends.

This verse, along the way, was written into the subcortex of most public figures - “talking heads”.

And this:
Quote:

If your mom bought you
There is only a ball in the store
And he doesn't want the rest
Buy everything he sees,
Stand straight, heels together,
Place your arms to the sides,
Open your mouth wider
And shout the letter: - A!
And when, dropping the bags,
With a cry: - Citizens! Anxiety!
Buyers will rush
With a saleswoman at the head,
The store director is here to see you
He will come up and tell his mother:
- Take everything for free,
Just don't let him scream!

Raising chutzpah?

Here:
Quote:

If you are hospitalized
And you don’t want to lie there,
Wait until they come to your room
The most important doctor will come.
Bite him - and immediately
Your treatment will end
That same evening from the hospital
They'll take you home.

Yes, all self-respecting Znapravtsy are just trying to avoid hospitals.

After all, the author knows that children’s imaginative thinking is not yet sufficiently developed, as opposed to visual-effective thinking, but he writes his own harmful advice. The child will remember the image and it will not turn upside down in his head because the child is not yet capable of this. The question is, who does he write for? It turns out that the author really wants the children to act exactly as it is written, and also attributes:

Quote:

BOOK FOR Naughty Children AND THEIR PARENTS

Either this is an encoding, a double language for those who are “in the know.”

And here is an illustration from the book “Bad Advice” (I’m not sure, but perhaps the author of this illustration is Andrei Evgenievich Martynov:):

taken from here: Isn't this a confirmation of Holmes' theory? TAKE A CLOSE LOOK!

The boy’s face consists of two parts: red-skinned and yellow-faced - they seem to look in profile at each other, or rather, the red-skinned one looks at the yellow-faced one, and the yellow one looks at the reader. The red-faced (alien) with a characteristic snob launches his long lizard tongue into the mouth of the yellow-faced simpleton (earthman). Both faces merge together, forming a common blue-eyed face (crypt - half-breed).

The green crocodile in the red-faced man's hair hints at his origin (reptile).

In the red hair of the crypt (like a way of thinking in the head) there are continuous vile creatures-predators: a crocodile, a bug-eyed something, an owl, a wolf, 3 pieces of bats, some other type with a different type of snob, a spider (with a web), midges also 3 things on the yellow one's forehead = TOTAL 12 creatures (twelve is a familiar number, isn't it?) + an eight-pointed star as an empty tin can. The presence of all these creatures in the picture is a matter of the following mysteries that have yet to be solved.

An all-seeing eye (even two of them) with a characteristic type of eyes (reptilian or feline). By the way, Oster has in his arsenal the work “The Book of the Cannibal’s Tasty and Healthy Food”:

Quote:

FOOL WITH POPPY
Sprinkle poppy seeds on an incredibly stupid girl and promise her everything
wants. Eat happy.

, but this is so - “far-fetched”.

And where do we see the grass-ant, as well as reeds? Right! Yellowface on the face! Which of the above “participants” needs it? Now it’s clear what the yellowface eats!

The red mark on the neck is like a thin red-skinned hand strangling the yellow-faced one! Or at least controlling... well... well... What? Right! Access to oxygen! BREATH!

There are, of course, all sorts of details in the picture, but these are still just my fantasies, right?

to be continued...

PS: Read the bad advice in the original.

HARMFUL ADVICE - VACCINATIONS AGAINST STUPIDITY.
This book is intended for naughty children, their parents and teachers.
Obedient children are allowed to read no more than three harmful pieces of advice per day. In this case, it is recommended to tie an obedient child to a chair just in case. With ropes.
Otherwise, an obedient child, having listened to enough bad advice, will take and do everything that is described in this terrible book.

* * *
When the parents run in
And they will start asking,
What were you thinking about when
Spit from the window
He fed the vacuum cleaner salad,
He set fire to newspapers
And pushed me down from the balcony
Porcelain service,
Ask your parents:
But they themselves
What were you hoping for when
One day, suddenly
We decided to have a boy
And they turned you on?

* * *
Approaching strange boys
The girl should already
To meet them, make angry faces,
Show stones, sticks, fists
And shout out different threats.
Let them still feel from afar,
That the girl will not let herself be offended.

* * *
Candy is not food
You won't be full from them.
Who eats too much candy
He walks without teeth.
And my hands are sticky from them,
And no appetite
So don't eat sweets
You better give them to me.

* * *
If you don't have a dog,
On a leash behind you
Take me around the apartment
Electric iron.
So that he doesn’t spoil the parquet
And there were no puddles on the rug.
Three times a day on weed
Take him out for a walk.
And so that in the evening a robber
Didn't wander into the light
Write on the doors with chalk:
"Caution: evil iron."
Not a single normal crook
He won't even stick his nose into the house,
Where he lies in wait
Meeting with a large iron.

* * *
You can color it
Not just pictures,
Color at your leisure
Myself and the cat.
Let mom and dad
Returning from work,
Twelve differences
They will find it between you.

* * *
If you during a fight
Hit with a fist in the forehead,
And then they came to make peace,
Offering to forget everything,
Then first let them set you up
Forehead under your fists,
And then they will forget about everything,
When the memory fades.

It might be useful to read: